Which Canadian News Story Is the Most Canadian?

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As a Canadian in America, I'm used to the gentle mocking that comes at our expense. "But we're not like that," I'll say. "It's not all maple syrup and apologies." But then, every once in a while, I'll see a Canadian story so Canadian, it's practically a parody of itself. Have a look at some of the things that make Canadian headlines and get ready to mock away.

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1. "Goat 'Arrested' After Refusing to Leave Tim Hortons"

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So first, it happened in a Tim Hortons, a Canadian coffee shop so sacred it's basically a church. But more importantly, it wasn't the local police who arrested the goat, but the RCMP, the Mounties, which are their federal officers. This is what your police do when your country doesn't have enough murders.

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2. "Goat 'Arrested' at Tim Hortons Was Possibly Kidnapped"

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Another thing that happens when your country doesn't have a lot of murders is that you have to fill the news with something, like this follow-up storyto the first story that definitely wouldhave been replaced with a murder if there were one to report.

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3. "Strange Sounds Heard Over Saskatoon"

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In some ways, Canada's like a big small town. And, in a small town, when your neighbour Ernie hears something weird in the middle of the night, it's headline news.

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4. "Suspected Burglar Flees in Canoe"

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You can keep your high-speed car chases, Hollywood. Canadian burglars prefer a low-speed canoe chase.This is one of the many reasons why most heist movies aren't set in Halifax.

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5. "Newfoundland Man Hits Moose but Can't Remember It"

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Remember when I said Canada is like a big small town? After this guy hit the moose, he kept driving in his wrecked car until another motorist stopped him. That motorist wasn't any random, but a friend of the driver. "What are the chances?" you may ask, but the Canadian answer is, "incredibly high."

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6. "'Bear' Prompting 911 Call Turns Out To Be Dog Named Bear"

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These stories make you feel like there is no danger in Canada at all. Even their bears are just dogs named 'Bear.'Somebody send that country some guns or some lions or something.

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7. "Man Sorry for Chugging Eight Beers and Swimming to Detroit"

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To be clear, he wasn't sorry he did it. He'd been saying for years he would. He was sorry they had to send three boats and a helicopter after his lookout thought he'd drowned. But he said sorry, which is the important, and Canadian, thing.

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8. "PEI Community Mailboxes Freeze Shut"

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This wasn't even really a news story so much as it was a chance for Canada Post, Canada's postal service operator, to publicly apologize.

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9. "Onion Ring Gets More Facebook Fans Than the Prime Minister"

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So the Prime Minister is what Canada has instead of a President and when Canadians are pissed at their government, they don't stage violent protests, they quietly voice their displeasure by starting a Facebook page for an onion ring.

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10. "$30M Worth of Maple Syrup Stolen"

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Where does one even get $30 million dollars worth of maple syrup? Why, from the global strategic reserve.You didn't know the world had a maple syrup reserve? You're so American. Canadians have to be able to locate it on an unmarked map by grade two. Probably why the robbers had such an easy time finding the place.

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11. "Shark Nearly Chokes to Death on Moose, Saved by Bystanders"

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Canadians have to be nice to everything. Even things that can eat them. They don't have a Pledge of Allegiance, but if they did, you can bet that would be in there.

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12. "Man Rescues Baby Moose, Takes It to Tim Hortons"

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It's like this guy was trying to think of the most Canadian thing he could do. Find a moose in distress. Save its life. Take it to Timmie Ho's. If he weren't already Canadian, this would automatically make him a citizen.

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13. "Election Debate Moved Due to Hockey Playoff"

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Even Canadian politicians know Canadian politics are too boring to compete with an NHL playoff game.

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14. "Mad Beaver Terrorizes Town"

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This is the stuff of Canadian nightmares.

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15. "Canada Welcomes First Group of Syrian Refugees"

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When the first group of Syrian refugees arrived, The Toronto Star, Canada's largest newspaper by circulation, used its front page space to welcome them. Canada may live up to its stereotype of being a place of beavers, moose, and maple syrup, but it also lives up to its reputation of being nice. Maybe fulfilling a stereotype isn't so bad, eh?

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