Apparently, less than 10 percent of donated sperm in Canada is from actual Canadians. It's not that Canadians are having a hard time getting it up, but rather that a 2004 law bans the buying of semen, leaving it up to a rare breed of human who just feels like donating sperm to keep the 5,000 Canadians who use donors every year supplied with fresh genetic material.
All we're saying is as long as that 10 percent is from Prime Minister Trudeau, we are A-OK with those odds.
2. Anti-Vaccination Parents Contribute to Son's Treatable Death
These anti-vaccination parents refused life-saving antibiotics and medicine for their toddler who suffered from meningitis for two weeks, attempting to treat him with maple syrup, protein and olive leaf extract. Nineteen-month-old Ezekiel died after his parents eventually called an ambulance when he stopped breathing. It turns out maple syrup doesn't cure serious illnesses. Both parents have been charged in their sons death and their trial starts this week.
3. Gun Activist Shot in the Back By 4-Year-Old Son
Pro-gun activist Jamie Gilt frequently took to Facebook and other social media to defend her opinions on the Second Amendment, her support for the NRA and to post photos of herself (and her son) posing with guns.
Producer and arranger George Martin, the "Fifth Beatle," died this week, and the Internet freaked out, thinking that the author of popular book series and HBO television show Game of Thrones, George R. R. Martin, was dead.
It's sort of like when your name is Sara but the super popular girl at school is also named Sara, and no one even knows that your name is Sara even though you were the producer and arranger for the mother-effing Beatles you a**holes!
6. This Ostrich Chasing Down Cyclists Is Our Personal Nightmare
If you were one of the only children who wasn't kept awake by nightmares after Jurassic Park came out, this video of an ostrich chasing down cyclists in South Africa will not register severe PTSD flashbacks for you at all.
Cool, us neither.
7. Woman Smuggles Child in Carry-On Bag Onto Airplane
A woman was detained by the French police at the Paris-Charles de Gaulle Airport Monday after she tried to hide a child in her carry-on bag.
Did we mention this woman was attempting to adopt the child from Haiti? And in her defense, the airline allows one carry-on item that fits in the overhead bin, and Jeanie just happened to fit inside that carry-on. And for way cheaper!
Ah well, the best laid plans.
8. Judge Asks If Rape Victim Tried Closing Her Legs... For Real
We can't get enough of this amazing penguin who swims more than 5,000 miles each year to be reunited with the man who saved his life four years ago. This little guy spends eight months every year with Joao Pereira de Souza in Brazil and the rest of the year breeding off the coast of Argentina and Chile. Pereira de Souza said the penguin, "lays on my lap, lets me give him showers...[and] becomes more affectionate as he appears even happier to see me."
Thank Joao and his adorable friend for bringing joy back to the dark, dark Internet.