The FBI is asking Apple to build a backdoor function into iPhone products in order to crack into the San Bernardino shooter's phone. In an unexpected turn of events, however, Apple said eff you in a public letter, and they are now the protectors of our freedom. Against our own government and the FBI.

Hmm, didn't see that one coming.

The Australian antigay group, The Stop Safe Schools Coalition (seriously), attempted to thwart a safe space dance provided for teens who don't identify as straight, but oops, actually ended up buying tickets for teens who couldn't afford the event. Apparently someone didn't understand the concept of crowdsourcing.

So, for every ticket the bigots bought, one LGBTQ teen gets to attend the event for free. The dance even had to move to a larger venue to make room for all the teens who can now experience the safety and love provided by, of all people, an antigay group.

Ah, the loveliness of irony.

This 'hangry' customer leapt across the counter to bite a Wendy's worker over the wrong order. In her defense, she was really, really hungry.

Girl, we've all been there.

So, apparently, "Smoking kills more people than Obama, although he kills a lot of people," as translated from this Russian anti-smoking ad featuring the U.S. president. Just remember, "Don't smoke -- don't be like Obama." Yeah, kids! Don't be like Obama, he's just the leader of the free world or whatever.

There's not a lot happening day-to-day in Montana, so you can hardly blame a neighbor for calling 911 after hearing screaming, gunshots and the sound of ripping flesh coming from next door.

Seven police men descended upon the house, only to find a family bonding over the mid-series premiere of AMC's The Walking Dead. 

Ah, what a great country we live in.

Florida, Florida, Florida. You make it too easy.

While all his other friends were out smoking pot and hanging out in the high-school parking lot, Malachi Love-Robinson was making his dreams come true. Ish.

On Tuesday, the Florida teen was arrested for owning and operating a medical office without a medical license. What the hell were you doing at 18?

Soccer is no joke. No effing joke.

In Argentina, referee Cesar Flores was shot and killed by a player who earlier received a red card. For real. The player walked off the field, grabbed a gun from his bag and returned to shoot the 48-year-old ref. And somehow, police have yet to nab the guy. What the literal Guff?!

In the spirit of Valentine's Day, Adidas posted this Instagram photo of two pairs of legs, one standing on tip toes to kiss her mate. Oh, and they appear to be the legs of, gasp, two women!

The absolute scandal.

Anyway, homophobes were pissed (as always), but Adidas responded by posting, "This day is for LOVE. Happy Valentine's Day." 

We all told Karen she shouldn't have that extra shot of rum, but she just wouldn't listen. You know Karen. Belligerent and angry, she grabbed a kitchen knife and started chasing men out of a Brazilian bar! The cops even came, it was so embarrassing.

Oh, did we mention Karen is a monkey?

A mall employee accidentally connected their computer to a giant screen in a Chinese mall, exposing shoppers to explicit adult content. Like, very adult content. OK, it was straight up porn. Needless to say, people were not super happy. Or super happy, depending on who you talk to.