Even if you think you can keep things civilized and remain friends with your ex (or at least Facebook friends), there are certain challenges that try your patience. Like seeing your ex live his most #Instaworthy life with a new person.
Who is not you.
What. The. Fuck.
The best thing to do is to ignore it, but since you're not capable of that, here's what to expect.
He's not your man anymore, but that won't stop you from wondering who the shit has their grubby little arms all over your boo? You're broken up, but still. It's like seeing the new tenants of your old apartment. You know it's going to happen, but you don't want it all up in your face.
Before you jump to conclusions, there could be a logical explanation for who that person is. Sure, she has his arms wrapped around him and is kissing the side of his face, but it could be his sister? Okay, you know for his face that he doesn't have a sister. His cousin maybe? Platonic friend who was born without genitals?
Time to do some detective work and find out the answers to some questions. Who is she? How does he know her? How long has he known her? Has he taken her to any of your places? Should you stop doing this? Should you get some sleep instead? Are you crazy?
Once you've combed through all of his Facebook since his timeline started, it's time to go through her Facebook. Or what's public anyways. It's pretty hard to judge someone's character based off of three public profile pictures, but you can pretty much safely say that she sucks. A lot.
You shouldn't judge someone's life based off of their highlight reel, but your former boo and his new boo look really happy together. Like more happy than he was with you. And you want to be happy for him, now that he's happy, but not even Mother Theresa could be that selfless.
What's she got that you don't have? Nothing. That's what. Sure, she has super flat abs and a warm smile, but what's so great about that? She just has that, "I've never known pain or suffering" look, but like, so? She probably farts. Loudly. And then blames it on the dog.
Their social media life looks perfect. Too perfect. Like something's wrong with it perfect. He has to be faking it just to make you jealous and upset, right? He didn't really move on that quickly? He wants you to cry! Well, its working!
He looks like he's having such a good time! Well, you can look like you're having a good time too. Even though you're completely miserable, you can still hide it if you use the right filter. Pro tip: try Valencia.
Breaking up isn't a war, but it is an arms race. You've got to show that your arsenal of #Instafun is bigger, stronger and can blow his shit completely out of the water. You can't stop until you post the Doomsday post - you know, the Instagram post to end all Instagram posts.
Remember when you laughed at her because you know that she farts? Just kidding. She doesn't. She's perfect. She's never broken wind in her life. She doesn't even know how to. Fuck him for moving on with the one woman in the world who is actually a demi-god that you will never be able to pass gas, even if she's trying.
When you're creeping through your ex's social media, you'll reach a point where you become aware of what you're doing. You'll realize that it's now 3am and you've been doing this since nine at night. You have to stop. You have to get a life.
That life should probably involve getting a new boyfriend. If you weren't so sad and lonely, you wouldn't be missing him, and you wouldn't be doing this. You wouldn't even care that he's dating whatsherface who actually, if you look close enough, does have a pimple in a photo dated October 22, 2014.
15. But At Least I'm Not Still Dating This Asshole!