Oh, good GOD what is that sallow, urine lookalike? Looks like a melted crayon made from boogers. Oh heavens. Writing this article isn't going to be easy, not unless my stomach grows an iron lining and my gag reflex gets drunk. But here we go. You shouldn't throw out your bacon grease, because it has many cool uses once the bacon is consumed.
Bacon has a lot of fat, which makes it taste so good, and a lot of cholesterol. 68% of the calories in bacon are from fat, most of that saturated (the bad kind). Most bacon also has nitrates, a preservative, which are believed to contribute to heart disease. That said...it's really delicious. So eff it.
OH MY HEAVENS! That is what — you're kidding me. That's what rendered bacon fat looks like? It looks like ice cream that's been cooking on a back car seat for a few days in the hot sun after you dropped your kids at their mom's place for the weekend because you have joint custody and you forgot to clean it up because instead you went to a Red Lobster for the martinis.
If you save your bacon grease after cooking, you can let it solidify and use it later on for a dash of flavor.
Wait. This is actually a good idea. Instead of popping your popcorn in coconut oil or canola oil or gasoline, you can actually pop it in bacon fat. Bacon-flavored popcorn. Popcorn flavored bacon. It works both ways.
Alright, the more I think about the prospect of adding bacon grease to stuff, the more I like it. So: deviled eggs. Who knows what they actually are and what occult properties are contained inside those calorically damning hors d'oeuvres. But, when you whip those yolks, add some bacon grease in there. Add some bacon pieces on top to complete the bacon effect. And, if you're daring, lay them on a salad of bacon strips. And if you're really bold, have them brought to you on a liveried pig.
Let's face it: animals will eat anything. Our efforts to try and civilize the lower life forms have failed miserably. Seeds? Dog food? Puke? They'll have seconds. Now, you can put that bacon fat in a tuna can and leave it out for the birds to nip. They'll love it. They don't know any better.
Want to coat your tongue with that greasy bacon flavor with every meal you eat? Now you can! After cleaning that pan, slick it up with some bacon grease. Just go to town. Literally everything you put in there will taste like bacon. Soap? Bacon soap. Olive oil? Bacon olive oil. Anything.
Are you an arsonist? No? Well, you can still use homemade fire starters even if you're a law abiding citizen. Bacon grease is a chief component of homemade fire starters, and acts as a chief flammable material. You can figure out how to to put the whole thing together here.
HOLY COW! How'd that even get in there? Was this person shaking hands with the SCARECROW from Wizard of Oz? Or possibly from the cast of Wicked? Either way, if you get a splinter, rub some bacon grease on that bad boy, put a bandaid on it, and over night the grease will soften the skin so you can get right in and nab it. Of course, if the splinter is this big, maybe you should consider professional medical attention. Or at least gloves.
Bourbon bacon. What a ring to it. It's like they were made for each other. But instead, they're made to be made together. So check this: take some of that bacon grease you saved. Put it in your bourbon. Let it infuse for four to six hours. Then, you can either drink it like that and throw your guts up, or put it in the freezer. The fat will rise to the top, and you can skim it off (and REUSE IT). Bam. You got some bacon bourbon.
Nothing says clean quite like bacon, bacon parts, and bacon grease. It really just screams WASH ME! doesn't it? Well, you can make homemade soap (just like in Fight Club) using bacon grease and lye, along with some other utensils. If you're really cheeky, you can mold it into bacon strip bars. If not, you can always clump it up, like a regurgitated bacon mass.
Let's say you've got an interview in a few hours. You don't have time to find a shoe shine in your area — plus, do they even have shoe shines anymore? That had to have ended in the '90s, no? Anyway, there's a work around to get your kicks in shining order. Cook up a lot of bacon, let it congeal (a few hours), and then rub some of that lard on your leather shoes. If the recruiter doesn't vomit all over the place, you just might get that job.
The glycerin in bacon grease was used to make bombs during World War II. So the U.S. Government strongly encouraged households to donate their excess bacon grease to their munitions endeavor. So...if there's another World War, let's say with North Korea, Russia, China, South Korea, some other countries, and we're low on ammunitions...just saying.
Lastly, the crowning bacon achievement. You can make these delicious bacon brownies! So chocolatey. So gooey. So bacony. Just how bacony are they? Well, the recipe calls for a half cup of bacon grease! Wow! You better enjoy those brownies, because they very well might be your last meal.