These Are the Thoughts We All Have While Waiting for Food to Be Delivered

You look at your fingers in awe. With them, you clicked a few buttons, and now a feast is being brought to your door. You're all-powerful. You can do anything. This feeling is definitely going to your head. Maybe you'll demand a pair of shoes from the Internet as well. Or a set of patio furniture. You don't have a patio, but that doesn't matter. You're on top of the world.

Just kidding, you ordered A LOT of food. They're going to think it's for like, four people. Maybe you can make cardboard cutouts and put them on the couch to make it seem like you have people over? No, that's way sadder. Why couldn't you just suck it up and cook dinner? You're such a turd.

But you're hungryyyyyy. And this food is going to be so warm and tasty and salty, so much more warm and tasty and salty than anything you'd make yourself. Oooh, it's gonna be good.

But, oh boy, you cannot answer the door like this. In your over-sized hockey jersey and your no pants and your no bra. You also somehow managed to get bedhead in the hour since you got home from work. How does that happen? Slip on some slacks and comb that hair, because a stranger is going to bring you dinner soon, and you don't want to look any sadder or lonelier than you already look. 

Seriously, though where's this food? You're starting to worry....let's check that order status...

Aaaaand you're a monster. It's only been fifteen minutes. You are an impatient, impertinent little problem-person and you deserve to never receive this food or any other food ever again. Have some dignity.

Okay, well you can't just sitthere and watch the clock. That will make this waiting last forever. You'll do something productive! You'll chip away at that mounting laundry pile. You'll vacuum the floor! (That's what you do with vacuums right?) You'll finally start that blog you've been meaning to start for seven years.

Oh yeah, Netflix exists. Laundry can wait. You'll start Making a Murderer or Bloodlines or Narcos, one of their critically acclaimed original series. Wait, they have every season of Parks and Rec? You'll skip season one because "eh," but season two, here we come.

FOOTSTEPS? No wait, trees rustling. CAR DOOR SLAM. Nope, that was on the TV. That's definitely the squeaky front gate. Listen, listen....it's nothing. Ugh, fine.

Your food's never coming. You're convinced. You should just give up now, shrivel into a ball and rock back and forth in the corner, because this is the end. You're going to starve. Don't worry, we'll tell your family you love them.

It's been a while. Maybe you should just call and make sure everything's all set. Did you remember the crab rangoon? You should really make sure. That's not desperate, is it?

...It's desperate.

GASP! What if you gave them the wrong address? Your old address is still attached to your account. Imagine the disaster it would be if your old roommate got the food. She'd 100 percent sign your name and eat it all without remorse. She's the worst.

Phew. You checked that confirmation email and you were being silly. The food is being delivered to your current address. Oh man, you can practically smell it. And what's more, you ordered your food 45 minutes ago. You've officially reached the 45-60 minute delivery window.

Any minute now, the doorbell is going to ring and you're going to jump up from your couch with the energy of a thousand bolts of lightning. You will greet the precious food messiah with open arms and cradle those foam cartons in your trembling hands. When you open them up, bright rays of light and that angel sound will emanate from them, and everything will be beautiful.

...It's been 57 minutes. No doorbell. No food messiah. No angel sound. Hope is waning. You've accepted your cruel fate. They've forgotten about you, just like your family did that one time at that gas station on your road trip to Florida. You're cold, forsaken and everything hurts.

THE DOORBELL RINGS. Be still your heart. Finally!! Check to make sure you actually put your pants on, finger-comb your hair one last time, and wipe that big grin off your face. You gotta play it cool, man. You do this all the time. (You do do it all the time, but you still haven't been less than ecstatic every time your food arrives.) Open the door so nonchalantly the delivery person won't imagine you just went through 14 traumatizing, emotional steps to get here. Sign for the food, thank him and turn on your heels. It's magic time.