Why We Need to Do Away With Spoiler Alerts


We as a people need to come to a consensus about spoiler alerts. Namely - we don't need them. They are doing society a grave disservice. We don't need to be responsible for other people's TV viewing habits. If you missed an episode, I shouldn't have to shut up about it. You just need to watch faster. If it were that important, you would have watched it sooner.


This heated debate about how long we should wait before we can talk about what happened on our favorite TV show is, to use my favorite old timey phrase, hogwash. All this confusion about proper protocol or etiquette would end if we just blew the entire concept of spoiler alerts up. There doesn't need to be any sort of time frame where you have to keep mum about what happened in a movie or TV show. We as a society are not beholden to you or your TV watching ways. If we want to talk about how Joffrey was poisoned on his wedding day in episode two of season four of "Game of Thrones," then so be it. This is America, damnit!


The argument of "I haven't had time to watch it yet" or "I haven't started the series yet but am planning on it" or "I might watch so don't tell me anything" is made of incredibly weak sauce. First of all, there's always time for TV... always. Secondly, make up your mind and either watch the show or don't. Thirdly, Steve Carell makes a brief cameo in the series finale of "The Office" and only says one line "“ "That's what she said."


This "No Spoiler Alert Zone" applies to classic movies as well. If you can't get it together and watch "Citizen Kane" but don't want to hear the ending of a movie that was made 74 years ago then we are not obliged to keep quiet. (When Kane whispers "Rosebud" on his deathbed he is talking about his sled.) Why are we waiting for you to pull your personal things together and watch what many consider the greatest film of all time? Go watch so we can enjoy talking about it together!

Spoiler Alert! These lemons are spoiled! DiavaP/istockphoto.com

Look, all of us watched "Breaking Bad" in a timely manner. (Walt died in the end.) We all chose to live in the present. (He used his technical know-how to gun down all of the bad guys.) Waiting around for you to get with the program is unfair to us. (The cancer had come back anyway, so he went out in a blaze of glory to the song "Baby Blue" by Badfinger.)


Some might think that it is rude to not use spoiler alerts. I say it's the reverse. It's ruder to not watch a show and then demand everyone in the world to not talk about it. You are not the king or queen of entertainment. And even if you were, we still wouldn't keep our lips sealed about how in "The Walking Dead" the character of Morgan has returned and is apparently following our main characters.


Demanding spoiler alerts is the equivalent of a loud, "SHHHHH!" No one likes being shushed. It's insulting. Your need of a spoiler alert is insulting to the rest of us. It makes us feel like you have put yourself on a higher plane by not watching and now we must wait for you to catch up as you leisurely decide whether or not you are going to watch a hugely popular piece of entertainment that everyone else has already enjoyed, consumed, and digested. You need to catch up to us; not us slow down for you. So, for the sake of decorum, let's just put an end to all of this spoiler alert nonsense.

 Spoiler alert! Spoilers on cars are dumb! falun/istockphoto.com

Oh, and in the end of "The Sixth Sense," Bruce Willis is already dead.

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