Wining while whining is a timeless tradition. Find out which wine is best to drink while whining about your terrible predicament!
Chardonnay. Pour yourself a glass or six while whining to the one friend who will still listen to you about how your other friend (or should you say, "Ex-friend,") slept with that guy. You know the one! You went out for like a month and talked about him all the time””you really liked him!””then he said you were just "too much." What does that even mean?? But you're getting off track. Take another sip. Point is, sisters before misters!
Bright, acidic Sauvignon Blanc pairs perfectly with complaining about how no one appreciates fine art anymore. You do, of course. But the rest of society is so steeped in irony””it's "postmodern" this and "deconstructed" that. It's like...why not stop and smell look at the roses? The incredibly detailed, life-like painting of roses?
Music's bumping, lights are flashing, and sweaty dancing bodies toss you around like a pinball as you try to walk through them. You've already downed a bunch of bubbly, which isn't helping. But pour yourself another flute and try to stand up straight (which is very difficult, because your feet hurt so bad from those six inch mistakes on your feet).
Now, champagne in hand, you can properly whine about how that guy was talking to you all night, promising he'd get you and your friends bottle service, then said, "Hold on a sec," and disappeared! You haven't seen him for hours at this point, and you want your free drinks!
Meet your sister at that restaurant with the garden veranda, order two glasses of Pinot Grigio and start whining about how you aren't sure if your job at that online fashion magazine is really going anywhere. Writing captions about "fun and flirty" dresses wasn't exactly what you had in mind when you majored in journalism at the Newhouse School, you know?
No one takes you seriously, and it's not just because your drink of choice is Riesling. Your perky personality and the pep in your step have a penchant for overshadowing the fact that you are a real person! With real emotions! Both positive and negative! Who just happens to be a Taylor Swift super fan!
...You may be complaining about this to no one, since your voice has been described by some as "squeaky," "high-pitched," and "insufferable," but at least you'll always have Coco, your perpetually shaking Chihuahua who snarls viciously at anyone who gets within eight feet of you.
Gather your ladies for a light lunch at "the club" and get down to business. Order your endive and radicchio salad and a glass of rosé and explain that your plastic surgeon won't approve the next "procedure" you've scheduled until you heal from your "nose job."
"He actually said 'nose job?!'"
Yes he did. How insensitive can he be? You really did have a deviated septum. You couldn't even sleep at night because of all the trouble you had breathing! What nerve.
Might as well change your name to Zinny because you're all about that sweet stuff. It's perfect for whining about how most wine tastes disgusting and you're sure you'll never grow to like it, even after you turn twenty-one. (See what I did there? No grown-up drinks White Zin.)
Swill your orange wine, then spit it on the shoes of those plebeians who are making mainstream stuff of the orange wine craze. It was hip when you were the only one who knew about it, but now it's getting popular and therefore losing its coolness. So tighten your suspenders, trim your beard and start complaining.
Cabernet Sauvignon, or as you call it, "Cab Sav," (to the eye rolls of many) is your saving grace whenever you mess up and say something behind your friend's back a little too loudly...a little too...in front of her back. It's a habit that's gotten you into trouble more than once, and even though you should have learned your lesson by now, your roommate Jen will always join you for a glass and a hunk of cheese and listen to you vent about how you didn't really mean what you said and people should just get over it.
Merlot is perfect for complaining about how you can't find the remote and you don't know what to watch on Netflix now that you've finished The Carrie Diaries and your leopard print snuggie has Cheeto stains and you never get invited out anymore and you hate getting invited out because then you have to come with an excuse not to go out. Life is hard. Drink Merlot.
Most likely your apartment is always stocked with two bottles of Pinot Noir and twice as many cats. Pour yourself a glass and whine about how all that cat hair ends up in your wine. One of your kitties may even try to stick its head in the glass, and it will succeed, because you bought those extra large wine glasses from Ikea for a dollar each.
Go out to dinner! Treat yourself to a glass of wine! But if you order the table wine or the house wine, it's a perfect trigger for whining about how terribly broke you are. But at least tonight you're drinking wine out of a glass, as opposed to normally, when it goes from the box or the jug directly into that chipped rainbow mug you've had since you were eight.
Malbec is perfect for the energetic adventurer. It pairs best with complaining about how none of your friends want to join you for that horror campout where you go to a remote location in the woods and spend all night getting spooked by ghosts and attacked by crazies with chainsaws at various intervals. No part of you understands how that wouldn't be fun for anyone.
At least the Malbec drinker has friends. If you're a fan of Syrah, it goes particularly well with smoking a cigarette and complaining to the old cranky lady who lives next door about how no one finds you approachable and how you've been told you have a "harsh" demeanor. It's like they expect you to smile, even when you don't mean it. What's wrong with people?
Drinking Chianti is a fine time to whine about how you lost who you'd really hoped would be your next cannibal victim when you suggested he join you for a dinner of "liver and fava beans." It seems that meal is a trigger for people these days. Maybe you have to switch up the veggie? Ugh, but the combination is too delightful.