Life Sayings That Make Zero Sense


If you think about it for even a second, some life sayings make absolutely no sense. They mean well, they mean to teach, they mean to make you feel better, but rarely do they help matters. And if we're being honest, most of them are just plain incorrect and a downright lie. It's okay to have idioms or mantras in your life; it's actually more than okay, it's great. But there are more than a few out there that are just so ridiculous and pointless that you have to take a stand and say, "Nope. Not on my watch." And that time is now.

"There is more than one way to skin a cat."

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Okay, if you're talking about what kind of tool, sure. But it's still the same activity and, though I have never actually skinned a cat, I'm guessing any approach requires relatively the same process and effort. And while it's an easy saying to figure out (there is more than one way to do something so don't limit yourself to just one option), it's just a ridiculous way to get your point across and completely unrelatable to anyone not in the cat skinning industry.

"You can't have your cake and eat it, too."

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Come on, then what is the point of having the cake? The only purpose cake has in life is to be eaten. That is its sole function. In fact, the only way you can't eat cake is if you don't have it. And even then all you really have to do is go to Costco. Mmmmm...Costco cake.

"A watched pot never boils."

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Yes it does. It totally does. I have seen it. I have actually stood over a pot of water and waited until it fully boiled just so I could prove this saying wrong. It took a long time, it was really boring and it made my feet ache, but you know what? Totally worth it.

"Actions speak louder than words."

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That is a false-i-tude, judge. Actions rarely speak louder than words because people don't really pay attention to your actions unless you are screaming at the top of you lungs, "LOOK AT ME DO THIS THING RIGHT NOW!!" Actions mean very little because everyone is too busy looking at their smart phone to witness them. No one notices you unless you are using your words: big, complex words that show how smart you are.

"Beggars can't be choosers."

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We are all beggars in life in some way, shape or form. And when we do beg, we are begging for a specific thing. So if I beg for a kiss and instead I get an edible fruit arrangement, yeah, I'm not gonna be too pleased about that. I didn't beg for an edible fruit arrangement, so why do I have to be happy that I got it? You don't have to give me what I beg for, but if you give me something in lieu of it, then I am going to choose to hate you.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

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Really, so where are all my eggs going to go? In a bunch of different baskets? That seems unnecessary and wasteful. That means if I want my eggs I have to go looking through each basket hoping I can find one. Why not just focus on one central area for my eggs so as not to waste precious time? Location, location, location, folks.

"Flattery will get you nowhere."

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Yes it will. Just ask anyone who has ever lived in Los Angeles. This saying needs to be amended to, "No flattery means that you are not important enough to even waste the effort to flatter in the first place." Flattery means something. It might not get you what you want but, trust me, it's far preferable to being ignored.

"Good things come to those who wait."

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That has never been the case for anyone, ever, at any point in human history. You know what thing comes to those who wait? No-thing. Yes, patience is a virtue, especially in our "we want it all and we want it now" society, but that doesn't mean to sit around with your thumb up your nose, waiting for something to happen. (And that must be one tiny thumb if you think about it.) Waiting is useless. Being proactive is key.

 "If you can't beat `em, join `em."

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Why would I want to join a team I can't beat? That's a pretty defeatist attitude. Plus, whomever you are joining will always think of you as lesser for doing so. You will basically have "loser" stamped to your forehead for all of eternity. So either keep fighting the good fight or find a group of like-minded people, join them and then beat the snot out of that team you were thinking of joining.

 "Revenge is a dish best served cold."

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They say that the best way to exact revenge is by taking emotions out of the equation. Hog wash, I say. Hog wash! Temperature is a moot point when it comes to revenge. It matters very little if your revenge is done in cold blood or in the heat of passion, just as long as you get that revenge. Revenge is like pizza: It's great hot or cold.

"Less is more."

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An annoying phrase that people just love to throw out to show how enlightened they are. I'm no math genius, but I am pretty sure that this makes no sense. Is less frosting on cake more frosting on cake? No. Less is less and more is more and never the twixt shall meet.

 "Straight from the horse's mouth."

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Apparently you can tell the age of a horse by looking at their teeth. So this phrase is used when people are talking about how the information they have is credible or true. That's great for horse buying, but for all other aspects of life it is completely worthless. You can never tell in this day and age if something is ever true or not. Cause even if it is straight from the horse's mouth, everyone is still talking out of their ass.

"The third time's a charm."

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Says who? In what world is the third time always the charm? I played basketball in high school and once missed three free throws in a row. Why wasn't I charmed that third time? (You know, besides the fact that I stunk at free throws.) Everyone loves the rule of three but sometimes it's more like the rule of five, six or seven. You can't just hope for something to happen on the third try and then give up if it isn't "charmed." So in honor of Malcolm Gladwell, I am changing the saying to "The ten thousandth time is a charm."

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