Awww, look at these adorable little guys! They look like little baby Ewoks! Which begs the question...
Why did you little jerks ruin Return of the Jedi?! Seriously, you guys suck.
You're so much less cute when I think about how you remind me of the bane of my childhood. So much.
I mean, sure, you look adorable sticking your tongue out like that, but C'MON!!!! It's like you guys took a dump on everything I loved.
We could have had more Luke, Han and Leia, but NOOOOO! You had to give us Wicket instead. So sad.
And yeah, it might not make sense to fully blame you, as you only look like Ewoks, but you know what else doesn't make sense? Little furry mini-wookies fighting stormtroopers!
You can dress like Chewie. You can growl like Chewie. But you, baby sloth, are no Chewie.
Go ahead, deny it. Drink the Kool-Aid that big Disney is pouring. It won't change anything.
And that's not even mentioning Caravan of Courage: An Ewoks Adventure. All the cuteness in the world can't make up for that movie.
I mean, here I am, six years old, excited for a new Star Wars made for TV movie, and you guys give me Burl Ives and a toddler dressed like Olivia Newton-John!?!?!
Stop hiding behind that stuffed doll and admit your mistake.
Oh, I'm sorry! Is my 100% justified rage boring you? You are a heartless monster. Just like the Gorax in Caravan of Courage.
And no amount of palm cuddling will make up for Battle for Endor. Don't even get me started on Battle for Endor!
What are you whispering about to the turtle? The fact that the Battle for Endor's writers thought it was a good idea to murder off the protagonists of Caravan of Courage?
Your adorable pot belly won't change the fact that they made WILFORD BRIMLEY the heroic protagonist of Battle for Endor. Why?!?!
Don't look at me like that! WILFORD BRIMLEY.
Who was Wilford Brimley going to vanquish? Oatmeal? Diabetes?
And sitting in that precocious goblet won't change the fact that Brimley dropped the F-Bomb in Battle for Endor. That's right. Wilford Brimley said the F-Word in a made-for-television kids movie, and they left it in the movie.
Oh, go ahead and be happy, little sloth cuddle-buddies. Why wouldn't you be? You weren't around in the '80s to witness the train wreck that was The Ewoks cartoon.
All the booze-drinking in the world will never make me forget the theme song to that show. It sounds like something Rusted Root would have written on serious downers.
You two look so happy, despite all the pain you have caused me.
Baby sloths are monsters.