There are few things more stressful, more nerve-wracking than a job interview. Your palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on your new suit already; mom's spaghetti. 

It doesn't help that some of the questions they ask you are pretty much the most impossible questions that anyone could ever be expected to answer.

Fear not, loyal reader! I currently have a job, which means that I've gone through the interview gauntlet and came out the other side a contributing member of society. I'll give you advice on how you can become one too by sharing with you the answers you should never give during a job interview.

"Tell me about yourself" is easily one of the toughest questions, mostly because it's not a question so much as it is a command.

According to CNN, when prompted with this command, you should discuss your education, recent experience and your career goals.

What you never want to say: anything about your personal life. It's a job interview, not a therapy session.

When you're asked why you left your last job, you have to remember to keep all the hatred and vitriol you've formed from your previous job deep down inside you. This is the time to discuss what you learned at your previous job and how you're ready to apply those skills to a new position.

What you never want to say: "Because my last job sucked and this one seems like it will pay more." Whoever said "honesty is the best policy" was a liar.

I never know where I'm going to be in five days, let alone five years, so this one is always a bit tricky. What you want to prove to the interviewer is that you're the kind of person who's not going to jump ship six months after getting hired, so emphasize that you're a lifetime employee, even if that's not really the case.

What you never want to say: "Where do I see myself in five years? Probably calling you into my office on the top floor to fire you." While it shows you're confident and a go-getter, it could also be perceived as a threat.

The key to answering the "weakness" question is turning your weakness into an asset for the company. Take a work-related skill that you don't feel strongly about and really sell your desire to learn and get better.

What you never want to say: "I can only bench press 80 pounds." That's not what they meant. Also, it's really embarrassing that you can't bench press 80 pounds. A 12 year old could do that.

Monster suggests not even mentioning salary during the first interview, but it will come up eventually. What you don't want to do is lowball yourself, so wait for them to give you a salary range, then aim for something between the mid to high-end of that range.

What you never want to say: "Take your salary and double it. That's the lowest amount I'm willing to take." While this tactic may show your tough negotiation skills, its chances of working generally hover around 0 percent.

The "Why should I hire you?" question is another opportunity for you to highlight some of the top accomplishments in your career, making the case that your past experiences have molded you into the ideal candidate for this position.

What you never want to say: "The real question is, why should I work for you?" It's a valid question, for sure, but it could come off as a little antagonistic. Also, people tend to hire those they think they could actually stand being around 40-plus hours a week.

If you've ever been on a job interview before, you know you should be researching everything you can about the company and Google-stalking every person you'll be interviewing with. If this is your first job interview ever, see the previous sentence. As CareerCast puts it, hiring managers want to know that you're genuinely interested in working for them and with them.

What you never want to say: "You work here, shouldn't you already know the company?" This is a hilarious response to an already dumb question. Unfortunately, most hiring managers don't have your wicked sense of humor, so keep the snarky one liners to yourself.

Even if you are overqualified for the position you're interviewing for, you never want to say so outright. Focus on how your skills can benefit them if they hire you.

What you never want to say: "Maybe, but I'm not overqualified for them fat stacks." Again, try to avoid mentioning money unless directly asked.

What sets you apart from other applicants is the specific set of skills and work experience that you bring to the table. You want to hit the interviewer with the value you would add to the company to prove you're the perfect man or woman for the position.

What you never want to say: "I have 12 toes." Whether this is true or not, it's irrelevant to the job you're interviewing for.

This is a bait question if there ever was one. The interviewer wants to know if you're the type of person who will talk poorly about them at some point during your employment there. Always talk about former bosses and employees in a positive light, discussing what you've learned while working with them.

What you never want to say: "I once had this boss who, during my interview, wanted me to gossip about my previous employers and how terrible they were." This subtle hint at how awful this interview question is will not help you land the job. I cannot emphasize how important it is to avoid any and all snark.

Another bait question. The interviewer wants to see if you're heart is actually set working somewhere else or doing something else entirely. The company you're interviewing with should be the only company you're discussing.

What you never want to say: "I always wanted to work for the National Basketball Association, as a player in the league. But, being 5'6", I never really had the height — or the talent, for that matter — to earn such a position." Save your dreams for sleeping. You're trying to make sure you can cover your rent on a regular basis.

Interviewers often ask what motivates you because they want to know what excites you about the work you do, and it also gives insight into your personality and the type of employee you would be. Answer by discussing aspects of your past jobs that were the most fulfilling for you.

What you never want to say: "Survivor's 'Eye of the Tiger.' It really pumps me up." While this may be true for 98 percent of the world's population, you should leave any discussion about the greatest song ever written for when you actually get the job.

If you've ever been let go from a previous employer, you'll no doubt have to explain why during your job interview. According to Inc., your best bet is to take responsibility for your actions, without resorting to playing the blame game.

What you never want to say: "Did you ask why I was hired? Are you giving me the job?" Pretending that you misheard the interviewer while simultaneously trying to trick him or her into giving you the job rarely ever works. Trust me, I've tried.

This question doesn't always get asked, but when it does it can make or break your interview. Whatever you do, don't dig into whatever dark, depraved thing you've done in your past. Keep that bottled up deep down, where it belongs. Instead, bring up something you got away with when you were a child, something ultimately harmless and innocent.

What you never want to say: "Murder." You will not get the job.