When you were a kid, the unspeakable fear that coursed through your body when the phone rang was numbing. You wanted to disappear from Earth. There were two options: It was either a serial killer or your mom's friend Donna, and both were equally terrifying prospects.
Today you just look at the number on your smartphone and ignore it until that person texts you.
If you thought answering the phone was bad, having to make a phone call was worse. Calling your friend Jenna? Chances are you'd have to go through Jenna's dad first (because Jenna definitely tried to disappear from Earth when the phone rang at her place). And there's nothing more awkward than a preteen girl and an unrelated grown man having to make small talk.
Today: Phone calls? What are phone calls? Texts and snaps and that's it, baby. On the off chance that you do have to make a phone call these days, it's probably still terrifying, but if you're desperate enough for a pizza, you can do anything.
Listen, being a kid was tough, but not having to worry about paying bills on time, signing leases, doing taxes, keeping track of paperwork and generally being a responsible human being made it a cakewalk. Growing up, sure, we were jealous of all the mail our parents got, but deep down we knew each white, windowed envelope held a responsibility we just weren't ready for.
These days, you get email reminders for everything and you can pay digitally, so while the pain of that money hemorrhaging from your account is unbearable and your dad still takes care of your taxes, you're not quite buried under a pile of papers like you thought you'd be.
Going to the doctor hasn't gotten any less terrifying since you were a kid. However, now you prefer to go without your parents so they don't also have to hear about your drinking habits or your (lack of) flossing. The feelings of shame and embarrassment are all yours.
When you were 12, you couldn't IMAGINE telling your crush how you really felt. You'd write vague poems and cry into your cassette collection. Fast forward a decade and you literally don't have time for that shizz anymore. If you like a person, you say, "You're cute. Let's bone." If you don't, you say, "You're awful. Get out of my sight." LIfe's short, YOLO. #BeHonest
No joke, growing up being catered to is a dream. You realized pretty early on that if left to your own devices, your chicken would probably never be cooked fully and you'd eat it anyway and contract salmonella and die alone in your apartment.
But then you grow up and cooking for yourself is actually pretty great. You can eat whatever you want, whenever you want and you can also NOT cook if you don't want to. Let's face it, most nights you're asking yourself the question, "Pizza or Chinese?" And you LOVE it.
D.A.R.E. made us believe that for the rest of our lives, everywhere we'd turn we'd be offered drugs. Walking down the street on the way to school, a scary man would try to sell us marijuana. We'd drive up to the window at McDonald's and the cashier would try to slip a baggy of cocaine in with our fries and then demand a billion dollars at gunpoint. That was the reality we were fed.
Then the first time we got offered a joint at a party, you said, "No thanks!" and they said, "Cool man," and went on to the next person. And it was no big deal.