Scoville units are a scientific measure of how hot a pepper is. For example, a bell pepper has zero Scoville units, a banana pepper has anywhere from 100—900 units and a jalapeño pepper has anywhere from 1,000—10,000 units. (The following hot sauces kick all of those numbers right in the colon)
So even though Pain 100% is the mildest hot sauce on this list, it still is pretty friggin' hot (even though all the other sauces poke fun of it and call it "No Pain 0%").
Professor PhartdPounders (first name Pettifor) came up with his hot sauce while teaching at Phart University where he was an associate professor of Buttology. He was trying to prove that human gas could be harnessed to create enough energy to power the entire school, and needed a food substance that would sustain enough flatulence. The project failed miserably, and Dean Wormer let him go (Prof. PhartdPounders didn't have tenure), but out of that failure he created a pretty tasty hot sauce.*
(*The above was taken from a Professor PhartPounders fan fiction site ”” owned and operated by me.)
In the first draft of A Few Good Men, this was actually the original line that Jack Nicholson was supposed to say. It was changed during a subsequent rewrite when the location switched from a hot sauce convention to a military courtroom.
Aagh! There's a black widow on the bottle of hot sauce I just bought! Get it off! Get it...oh, okay. I get it now. Never mind. Aaagh! This hot sauce is so hot it's dissolving my tongue! Get it off! Get it...
I actually owned a bottle of this stuff. It was ridiculously (dare I say, "insanely"?) hot, and I could only use one drop at a time. It took me a year and a half to finish it, and I consider this my greatest accomplishment to date as a human being.
The original red variety of Tabasco pepper sauce measures at 2,500—5,000 Scoville units.
A friend of mine once unknowingly took out his contacts when he had some Tabasco still on his fingers. (My friends are dumb.) It looked like he had a serious case of pink eye...and that was only Tabasco sauce. Imagine what would happen if this stuff reached your corneas.
They suggest you avoid "sensitive areas" when using this hot sauce. Well, what if I want to use this stuff on my "sensitive areas"? What if the only way I can feel alive is if I pour a capful of it all over my most sensitive of areas? Don't tell me how to use my hot sauce! This is America!
Your scare tactics don't impress me, Pure Cap. I know that your "preventative packaging" is all for show and that you're just trying to get me to buy your product. I'm not fooled. So, I'm only buying two.
Completely misleading. I have tasted the real blood of Satan and it is nowhere near this hot. It actually tastes like elderberries with just a hint of saffron, and then finishes with notes of a nutty Edam cheese and pure evil.
You just had to go there, didn't you Blair? You just had to go and add that 100,000 more units, didn't you? Why do you always have to try and be better than everyone else, Blair? Geez, you have not changed at all since The Facts of Life.
19. Pepper Palace Hottest Sauce in the Universe "”2nd Dimension
In other universes, in other dimensions, superior alien races mock us for using such a non-spicy hot sauce. This is like consuming chocolate milk to them. When they need some heat, they just eat the sun.
This hot sauce is so powerful that it not only comes with a disclaimer which you must sign in order to purchase it, but it also can only be used one drop at a time...and even that one drop must be diluted! Technically, this stuff isn't even considered a "sauce," but labeled strictly as a "food additive."