It's that time of the year once again. The temperature dips, the radio plays the same six songs on an incessant loop and decorations spring up everywhere you look. But are you tired of the same old bland, safe Christmas lights and stars and tinsel on the tree? Feel like spicing things up and making your friends and relatives uncomfortable? Then throw caution to the icy wind with these totally inappropriate ornaments. Starting off with this tribute to a beverage many use to help themselves cope with the season. I know the holidays can be rough, but there have to be better ways than this to relieve your stress.
"Hey, stop jiggling the ornaments, you might break them. No, don't start squeezing and pinching them! Now why are you rolling them around in your hands and kneading them? Honestly, I don't know what you're giggling about. What's so funny and fascinating about an upside down heart?"
'Tis the season for giving. It's a wonderful time of year where we learn that it's better to give than to receive. Sharing is vital, but you don't need to overshare. Need an example? Broadcasting to everyone that you have an amphibian muscular male fetish? Yeah... I wish there was a receipt for that knowledge so I could return it.
I don't know what you're groaning and wincing about. This is a perfectly natural process of life. Without what this ornament represents, snowmen and snowwomen would never be able to have any snowbabies.
Of course, if you're not ready to have a snowbaby just yet, there are precautionary measures. Glad to see Planned Parenthood is decorating their office. Hope they don't mind if I pluck an ornament when I'm feeling festively feisty.
That's not a chestnut. This is a shrunken head. Honestly, this is an even better warning to send to your enemies. Anyone can get a horse, but miniaturizing a human skull? That shows commitment and skill went into your hate for them.
You've heard of Elf on the Shelf, but have you heard of the omniscient eye of St. Nick? And you thought the NSA spying on you was bad. They at least have the decency not to freak you the eff out while they do it.
This raises so many questions I don't have time to contemplate. The most important one though is whether that is going out or going in. Is... is this how we find out the disgusting way candy canes are really made?
Oh, so this is what happens if you press there. Well, at least it came with a string attached so you could hang it up. Although I don't think you should save it, even if it came from a certain sleighing celebrity.