Perhaps due to the flat-lining intellectual state of the nation’s leadership, flat-earthers are feeling confident enough to crawl out from the skipping stones they’ve been hiding under to berate people with their flawed and flat worldview. They’ve been making headlines for months now, after going viral for cheap attention-grabbing stunts like accosting NASA employees in coffee shops, and getting in Twitter wars with one of the greatest living astrophysicists of our time.
Didn’t hear about those two incidents? As painful as it is to give this guy media attention, I’ll give you a refresher. Nathan. F***ing. Thompson. Flat-earther extraordinaire and all-around douche-nozzle. This guy caused a scene in Starbucks after harassing a NASA employee. Mind you, before Thompson unleashed a turd tantrum on this poor guy, the man was nice enough to give him some NASA stickers. Thompson starts pestering this man about astronauts “drowning” in space. When he doesn’t get the answer he wants, he follows the guy into line and goes into full attack-mode. For good reason, YouTube deleted the video for violating the harassment and bullying policy.
Then there was that time when rapper B.o.B got into a Twitter feud with Neil deGrasse Tyson. Unsurprisingly, Tyson completely owned him on The Nightly Show.
“There’s a growing anti-intellectual strain in this country that may be the beginning of the end of our informed democracy,” Tyson said. “In a free society, you can and should think whatever you want, and if you want to think the world is flat go right ahead. But if you think the world is flat and have significant influence over others, like successful rappers … or presidential candidates, then being wrong becomes being harmful.”
So, flat-earthers aren’t exactly cerebral powerhouses, but what do they actually believe? Let’s take a look at some of some of their most outlandish claims. I know it will be hard, but try to keep your anger at bay.
First things first, flat-earthers believe that the Earth is flat. Big surprise there. Specifically, they believe that the Earth is a flat disc with Antarctica encircling it with a 150-foot-tall wall of ice. How very Game of Thrones of them. Except they don’t GOT s**t on the Night’s Watch wall, which is a 700-foot-tall wall of ice. Shame. Shame. Shame.
Flat-earthers think that Nasa is a giant sham. All those pictures from space showing the earth’s curvature? Fake. “The purpose of NASA is to fake the concept of space travel to further America’s militaristic dominance of space,” says the Flat Earth Society.
That’s closer than our moon is to us. For f**k's sake, that’s about the distance between New York and California. If that were true, our planet would literally be an uninhabitable boiling mass straight out of Dante’s Inferno Sixth Circle of Hell.
Oh, yeah, they think the government is rigging the GPS devices on planes to make pilots think they are flying in a straight line, when they are actually flying in circles. Recently, another one of these flat-earthers went viral after he posted an experiment on a plane, which he concluded proved the Earth was flat. He brought a spirit level on a plane, and recorded for 23 minutes. The level stayed centered, so he concluded the Earth was flat.
"If the Earth is spherical and gravitational pull is toward the center, then in order to maintain a constant altitude you must remain aligned perpendicular to the pull of gravity. Thus the expected result is that the center bubble would remain centered in straight and level flight. So this demonstration in no way proves that the Earth is flat."
Oh, wait. Gravity isn’t real, so clearly that’s false.
Speaking of planes. Flat-earthers believe that if the Earth were actually round, pilots would continually have to bring the nose of their plane downwards from flying right off into space. They think if a pilot didn’t do this every minute, they would find themselves 31.5 miles high in an hour’s time.
Oh, this is a fun one. You know trees? Those leafy green thinks that provide us with oxygen, shade, food, etc.? Yeah, those are bulls**t too. They’re not actual trees. They’re just big bushes. Forests? Yeah, that’s not a thing. The things that flat-earthers call real trees were destroyed a long time ago in some unexplained cataclysmic event. What they left behind were their stumps. To us ignorant a**hole round-earthers, those stumps are called mountains. See, flat-earthers can’t explain why mountains and canyons exist, because tectonic plates don’t work in their theory. So, places like Devils Tower and the Rocky Mountains are just some massive petrified stumps.
This one isn’t totally narcissistic at all. Flat-earthers believe that the Earth is at the center of the universe and everything rotates around us. Flat-earth “expert” Eric Dubay claims that all of this can be proven with a simple time-lapse photograph:
“Star trail time-lapse photography is absolute proof that Earth is the stationary center of the universe around which everything in the sky revolves. If the Earth’s supposed motion was what caused the star trail effect, Earth would have to be performing daily 360 loop-de-loops, inverting upside down, coming back around, and NOT rotating on an axis, otherwise the same stars would not remain visible in the sky for well over 12 hours (as they do), and would all move across the sky horizontally! The fact that we can see the same stars all night long revolving perfect circles around Polaris proves it is the stars moving relative to a fixed [Earth].”
Not too surprisingly, a lot of these flat-earthers tend to be religious zealots. They like to think that the government is promoting a round Earth belief to debunk religion. The flat-earth theory is unequivocally tied to the notion that the Earth must be the most important planet in the universe. After all, if it isn’t, how could we possibly be as special as we think we are?
“But if the Earth is just one of billions of planets revolving around billions of stars in billions of galaxies, then the ideas of God, creation, and a specific purpose for Earth and human existence become highly implausible,” wrote Dubay.
Hmm … I’m starting to see some causality here between universal abandonment issues and flat-earth theorists.
Other planets, you ask? Well, flat-earthers are kind of split on this one. One thing is for sure though. All those photos you’ve seen of other planets are totally fake, you know, cause of NASA. But, some flat-earthers believe that there are other planets, and they are also flat like Earth. While others believe that Earth is the only planet, you know, cause then we wouldn’t be god’s favorite anymore.
Well, you’ve made it. So, are you a born-again flat-earther now? Have you seen the light and are you ready to wash yourself of your ignorant round-earther ways in the non-lunar propelled tides of flatearthdom?