It's your punishment for owning a pair of thighs.
There is no crime heinous enough for jeans shopping to be the punishment. You must be a terrible, terrible person.
You are mentally ready. You're tough.
Who are you kidding? Nothing in life has prepared you for this.
Your Mom. Your BFF. Your dentist.
Anyone who is willing to give you the courage to get through this. If your dentist got you through that root canal, she can get you through this. Maybe.
You're cool. You're poised. You've got this under control.
I am buying jeans to-DAY.
Why, hello, Friendly Sales Associate. Can you make me 20 lbs lighter? Can you make sure all the mirrors are magic funhouse mirrors that make me look great in everything? Can you make sure every pair of jeans are custom-molded to my body?
I DON'T KNOW. CAN YOU?
You mean the ones you're wearing, with the hole in the crotch?
The ones you bought six months ago?
Ooooh, they don't make that style anymore.
If you're lucky, two pairs will fit.
One pair will look not terrible.
Those are the ones you'll buy.
We meet again, change room.
No. You've seen yourself in photos. You never look this bad. It must be the lights. No one looks good under fluorescent lights.
Some just won't go, no matter how much you do your Pants Dance.
Your proportions are anatomically impossible. According to jeans, anyway.
The opposite to the butt gap is not being able to do them up.
You know you have a butt. You sit on it every day.
But according to these jeans, you don't.
Why is the crotch hanging so low? Should you be doing exercises to make your torso longer? Is that a thing?
This is where shit gets real.
At some point, while jeans shopping, every woman, no matter what size or shape, will feel that she is a wrongly-shaped human.
Your thighs, buttocks and tummy are incorrectly proportioned.
Your nose hairs are the wrong color for your face.
Your fingers aren't shaped like normal fingers.
And a hairdresser once told you your hair was "dense." What does that even mean? It's probably bad.
You will learn to love lettuce. For the sake of jeans.
If J. Lo can rock a pair of sweatpants, so can you.
Are you going to let a pair of pants beat you?
They're not a mountain you can't climb.
They're not a grizzly bear you have to defeat in battle.
You are going to teach these jeans a lesson: They can't mess with your psyche and get away with it.
Gap around the butt?
New pair! New pair!
After 12 stores and 147 pairs of jeans, you finally find a pair that fits!
You're so happy that you found a pair that looks great that you forget the promise you made to yourself last time to buy multiple pairs, so you wouldn't have to go through this ever again.