You know how some guys just want to find a woman to baby them? Well, the male angler fish is the worst offender of this! Being a fraction of the size of a female, he fuses himself to her and supplies her with sperm while taking her blood for nourishment...forever! He gets sex, she has to feed him...yep, that sounds about right. Grow up, fish-child!
This randy little rodent just can't get enough! The Australianantechinus mates for 2-3 weeks straight with sessions lasting 14 hours at a time. At the end of all this, his tired body shuts down and he literally dies from too much sex. We guess they didn't listen when their mothers warned them about safe sex. "Wear a condom, get STD checks...oh and try not to die of exhaustion."
Just like teenage boys, alligators have a constant erection. If that wasn't weird enough, their penis also shoots out from their body and returns like a rubber band. That sounds a little aggressive for our taste.
Ever heard men "hilariously" joke that their 'huge' penis is like an extra leg? Well, for elephants this is actually true. They have a "prehensile" penis that is long enough to touch the ground and apparently, swat away flies. Bet those bugs get a bit of a shock!
We are sure barnacles everywhere are glad to be getting recognition for having the longest penises in relation to their size of any animal. Their underwater winkies stretch eight times the length of themselves and blindly fumble around, searching for a mate. Impressive for something we often mistake for a rock.
Dolphins are known to be pretty bright, but not when it comes to safe sex. Apparently one of the most common diseases found in this species are STIs. So next time you hear of a dolphin washed up on the beach, know he was probably just trying to get to Planned Parenthood.
It seems the jungle has it's own red light district. Macaques monkeys are quite the peeping Toms. They will "pay" to see other monkeys bump uglies using fruit as currency, kind of like a monkey sex show. Apparently they do it to learn mating tricks. Right, it's "educational," just like your porn magazine has "interesting articles." We know your game.
Your flirting game had better be on point before tackling this feisty broad. If the female jumping spider isn't satisfied with her potential suitor's complicated mating dance, she doesn't just turn him down, she eats him! So next time someone rejects you, just remember...it could be much worse.
The female squid gets quite a raw deal when it comes to sex. When a sperm "capsule" attaches to her, she must dissolve her own skin to allow it into her bloodstream. Jeez, we're surprised they aren't all celibate.
Pandas are the absolute worst at sex. Experts even have to show them panda porn to get them in the mood. Literally, they show them videos of other pandas doing it! And to lower the odds of procreation even further, females are only into it for 24-72 hours a YEAR. Insert "frigid wife" joke here.
Male bowerbirds believe the way to a woman's heart is through interior design. They build elaborate nests for their potential mate using bright objects like seashells, plastic beads and flowers. That's much better than a cheap glass of wine in our books.
For any man who thinks human women are difficult, be thankful you're not a praying mantis. After much prancing about and showing off from the male, mating begins. Then, with no remorse, the female rips the male's head off. Maybe he told her she's just like her mother. #SorryNotSorry