Have you ever been flying and thought to yourself, "Does nobody else hear this guy next to me farting?" Then you have a few more mimosas, then you have a few more, and you start staring off into space awhile. Then something catches your eye: it's that little hook on the tray table dial. It looks like it's frowning at you, like a muppet, but then you realize: that's the mimosas talking. What's it really doing there? Well, it's a coat hanger. BAM! You're mind's just been blown. And you need to go to the bathroom because...one too many mimosas.
Sometimes our bodies get hot. It happens to everyone with a pulse. We get a little warm, a little sweaty under the collar. We want to breathe, you know the feeling. We go to roll up our sleeves, and then BAM... they bunch up. You've been sabotaged by faulty rolling skills. Here's the definitive way to roll up your sleeves: first do one flip, then lift, then roll. Flip, lift, roll.
We've all been there. You deplane after a long flight, you go to the luggage carousel to pick up your luggage. You place your hand on your bag. And some NUMBSKULL puts his hand on your bag TOO! Then BAM, next thing you know, you're in a row. Well, you two go at it for awhile until you tucker out or TSA shows up, and then he realizes: it's your bag after all. Now you're stuck in Guantanamo Bay because you caused an emergency situation at JFK when you could have been soaking up the rays in the Jersey Shore. Don't let this happen to you: make sure to tie a piece of bright colored fabric on your bag so you know it's yours.
This is a common one. You're at the Fourth of July picnic. Grandma Corey brought her sliced watermelon she grows in her backyard even though the municipal government has threatened to levy high taxes on her property for merging residential and business affairs. She gives you some watermelon to eat before she goes to the bathroom to drain her patella turgid with pus. You get to chomping down her delicious seedy fruit. Then BAM! You get a mess load of juice on your face. What did you do wrong? You forgot to cut off the sides like a newb.
Oh, we've all been here. So let's say you don't have a dryer, or because of straitened circumstances you've been forced to hang your clothes outside like your ancestors did or the people in The Village. Now, before you clothespin your unmentionables, do this: wrap them in a dry towel, wring that towel like you're Inigo Montoya throttling your father's killer's neck, and then hang your clothes up to dry. BAM! You got yourself some wrinkly, dry unmentionables ready for wearing to the local Mayday fair.
OK, your friend from home just came over, and boy does he have a thirst. So you get him a beer from your pantry, pop that top, hand it to him, and then BAM! He spits it out in your face. Why? Because it's warm. You got to shove that drink in the cooler stat or your friend — actually Bruce Banner — will turn into a massive hulking pain in the butt. So you put a damp paper towel on the beer, stick it in the fridge, and when it comes out: it's so much cooler.
Your hair is out of control. The humidity is causing your strands to frizz out so hard, they might reach out and touch someone on the bus. So what do you do? You pin those bad boys down with some Bobby pins. But make sure you put the wavy side towards your skull. If you don't, then BAM, wavy side is out, flat side is against your head — doesn't feel as good.
Has this ever happened to you? Your in a job interview. You're making a great impression. Your'e about to clinch the damn thing. You take a deep breath, go in for the final handshake, but then...BAM! BAM! One button, wait, no, two buttons! fly off your shirt and hit your interviewer in the eye. She goes blind, needs some immediate surgery. You lose the job interview. You must collect unemployment for another three months. You do not pass go. You should have put some nail polish on your buttons to keep them sticking to the thread.
Well, this one's a little outdated considering Apple scrapped its wired earbuds. But, in the off chance that you DIDN'T pay the $800+ on a new, bluetooth only iPhone, this one's for you. Have you ever found your earbuds pop out of your ears just as your podcast is about to drop some pretty heavy stuff, and you're set back at least two months in the social knowledge race, and have to rewind, and while you're rewinding you — BAM! — walk into a tree? Forget all that. Wrap the wires around your ears, don't let them dangle.
BAM! This has definitely happened to you. And to you (yes, we're looking at you). You take your ice to the beach in a cooler, and it melts. Why? Because ice melts. It does that sometimes. The booze gets warm and watery. All of a sudden, life seems less worth living. That ocean is calling to you with its warm, watery embrace. The winds even seem to be blowing you into the spray — go, go to it, it seems to coo. But no, you will be strong. Because next time, you're going to sprinkle some salt on that ice to make it last longer. So that beer stays cooler...longer.
Did you know there were two types of plungers? At LEAST? The one on the right is for your average sink. The one on the left is for your crapper. People make this mistake all the time and then BAM! That doody won't go downy. Now, if you happen to use your sink as your toilet...then you should probably see a doctor.
Breaking into somebody's house/office/bedroom and don't want the door to close and lock behind you? Need to make a quick getaway? Just don't want the door to latch? Well, you've probably been using a doorstop. Well stop that. Put a rubber band around the latch like so, and then BAM! You got yourself one open door.
Are you a messy eater? Well here's how you can put an end to it. Do you eat your burgers like a librarian? Fingers around the buns like you're about to shelve it in the local library, not dig your canines into its fleshy meat? BAM! Wrong way to do it. Take this funky looking grip — kind of how an alien would take hold of a burger if they were hungry — to keep the buns well-positioned. And then go to town.
Don't let this happen to you. You'll get almost zero workout, and you'll look like...I don't even know what that looks like. When you're going down, make sure your thighs are parallel to the floor and your booty is down. Get that booty down! Much better. Feel that? BAM!
Wastefulness is one of the gravest sins man can commit, when there are so many people going hungry. Make sure to use up all the space on your sandwich by cutting up your meat like so, and help combat the global crisis of excess corners! Fill those corners in with meat and – BAM! – another corner is accounted for.