"They should make a show about where all the hot, young couples from romantic movies are now. My guess is they're either dead, divorced or arguing over whose turn it is to fish the dead possums out of the water tank. Ha, idiots."
"I just don't know how you get so drunk every time we go out, Haley. I'd hate for you to hurt yourself or me when I inevitably have to carry you home and injure my back... No, I'm not saying you're heavy! Just go get some water, you're being overdramatic...because you're drunk."
"You know, hearing about how well you're doing is really reminding me of how fickle life is. Like, how long can that happiness even last? One day you've got a new promotion and a boyfriend and the next you're paralyzed from a freak milk cart accident.
At least that's what happened to Aunt Pam. She says she'll never drink milk again... Well, she can't anyway as her arms can't lift the glass."
"You know what? I think I'll give tonight a miss, guys. I'm pretty tired from work and I've got a whole lot of Game of Thrones to catch up on. Then, after that, it's Downton Abbey. I'm basically busy until June is what I'm saying."
"It's not selfish to turn down a hot air balloon date because I'm mildly allergic to wicker. He should have checked first and I don't want to have to wear a sweater if it's 80 degrees. It's his fault if it cost him over a hundred dollars."
"Yeah, we should hang out. I'm free Tuesday from 4 to 8 p.m.. I guess we could do dinner, I'll make a reservation. We should probably drive separately as you're on the east side... Heels or no heels, what are we thinking here?"
"But why would we order a bottle of wine at dinner when I can get the exact same bottle for a third of the price immediately afterwards at Costco. Ha! No thanks, I'm not a moron! Waiter, two waters, please."
"You know, the common misconception is that patchwork is reserved for old folks homes and class projects. But once you get into it, you really gain an appreciation for the creativity of it. Plus, I now have over 15 comforters."