'Reading Rainbow' Kickstarter: Internet Gives All the Money

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Butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as high.

These words will soon be plastered across every building, bus, park bench, and police car in stark, blood red lettering. It will become a mantra of the people "“ a phrase blasted from loudspeakers across the city to keep us docile and in line.

We will become a nation of the downtrodden and oppressed. Reading time will be mandatory, and curfew will be strictly enforced under penalty of death. Children will be separated from their mothers and sent off to special "reading camps" where they'll be reprogrammed to believe in the glory of the Rainbow. 

Sitting atop this pyramid of fear and aggression, LeVar Burton will be perched on a throne of books "“ peering down at all of us with his all-seeing Geordi La Forge visor, tightening his crushing grip on us, fingers nimble from years of page-turning. 

Read the rainbow, obey the rainbow.

This is the possible future we have to look forward to after today's announcement that a Kickstarter has been created to re-launch nostalgic favorite public access show, `Reading Rainbow,' for a new generation of readers. 

In the official Kickstarter video, `Reading Rainbow' host and actor, LeVar Burton, appeals to fans to throw some money at the project in exchange for awesome prizes "“ as well as being able to once again `take a look' at the show that made reading fun for multiple generations of children. The Kickstarter wants a million bucks to get the show back up and running.

Why is this news going to lead to a totalitarian, dystopian future a la 1984? There have been some successful Kickstarters in the past, but LeVar Burton and Kickstarter have hit the mother load with this one. Think about it. It has everything that the Internet wants: nostalgia, nerd-culture, getting to pretend to be smart, catchy retro music (love that theme song), and a freaking actor from `Star Trek: The Next Generation.' 

And the prizes you can earn for donating. Oh, those prizes. LeVar Burton will read a story to your family, he'll Skype with you, let you appear on the show, or even have dinner with you. Who WOULDN'T want to have dinner with Kunta Kinte? 

The Internet is going to give this project all the money.

And when I say all the money, I mean ALL the money. In the time it took me to watch the six minute and fifteen second Kickstarter video, the pledged amount of money climbed from $384,000 to $397,000. That's $13,000 dollars in six minutes! You could literally see the number climbing a few times a second. Not only is the project going to reach its $1 Million goal before the one-month deadline. At this rate, it's literally going to funnel our entire nation's capital into Burton's pocket. He's going to have a $15 Trillion budget for a public access show about reading. And you know that, faced with that amount of money, even the nicest, most down-to-Earth reading enthusiast will become mad with power. We're on a slippery slope towards Burton taking over the entire country and renaming it "Burtonia" or "New PBS."

Don't get me wrong; I'm no fool. I'm dropping a couple G's on this Kickstarter project. I'm going to be Skyping with Geordi La Forge toNIGHT. 

Just be warned, America. I predicted our inevitable ingestion into the fascist regime of the Rainbow.

Take a look. It's in a book. A Reading Rainbow. Obey the Rainbow.
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