We get that you're excited to have a kid, but #honestly, #coolit with the #hashtags. This goes double for any parents who create a hashtag of their baby's name. Yes, we're sure #IsabellaRose is going to go viral reeeeal soon.
Yes, we know you think your baby is the cutest one in the world. News flash: They're not. Stop thinking that all your friends are going to create accounts on some dubious website that's going to spam the crap out of them just because you're delusional about your baby's cuteness.
While you may have gone numb to the sheer grossness of urine, vomit and poop, trust us that your friends have not. The good news, though, is that while you're in the bodily fluids mindset, you can finally write that sample script for Nickelodeon!
Many new parents have this wonderful little ability to think every conversation should be steered back to themselves. Please don't hijack your friend's status with drivel about your baby. Besides, don't you have an elaborately-themed, half-birthday party to plan, anyway?
It's fun to dress up your baby in a costume for Halloween...and maybe for Christmas. But once you start doing it for Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, the 4th of July, Arbor Day, Talk Like a Pirate Day and National Pretzel Day...you might have a problem. Or too much disposable income.
We understand that this new, tiny human seems to have a large effect on your life, which is fine. But please remember that your Facebook friends are friends of you. If they only wanted to hear about your kid, they'd friend them instead. Also, that would be weird.
Your clubbing days are numbered, and we all know it...so don't try to pretend that you're still living your sexy life. It just comes off as desperate. Also, you should really consider new shower curtains that don't clash with the bathroom decor.
12. Turning Every Announcement Into a Craft Project
It's about time we acknowledged one of the great injustices of our modern day and age: Pinterest plagiarism. That "unique" idea for an announcement that you saw online? It suddenly becomes played out if every basic mom copies it. Instead, try focusing your energy on something more productive, like buying stock in companies that produce artisan chalkboards.
Parents love to brag about their children's accomplishments. But what do you do when your kid is so young that they literally could not have done anything of note yet? You start bragging about how much they weigh or what they're eating.
"Proud mommy moment: He's in the 97th percentile in weight!"