If you asked me what I love most in this world, I would tell you it's my wife because she often reads the articles I write (hi honey!). But if my wife were illiterate, the answer would obviously be pizza. It's one of the few things that truly matters in this world. If I could be any character from any movie, it would be Pizza the Hut from Spaceballs; that's how much I love pizza. So, as an unofficial authority on all things 'za, I've taken it upon myself to end the debate on the best type of crust, once and for all.
Let's start with this monstrosity. Cheeseburger-stuffed crust was released in 2014 by Pizza Hut, which had previously unleashed the hot dog crust pizza into the world to equal disdain. This horror show of a pizza contains mini cheeseburgers in the crust for the person who doesn't want to wait until their 60s to have triple bypass surgery. An insult to both pizza and cheeseburgers.
Not wanting to be left out of the combining-two-separately-great-things-to-make-one-horrible-thing game, Little Caesars blessed our colons with the pretzel crust pizza; not once, but twice! This one isn't as bad as the cheeseburger/hotdog Frankenstein pizza, but just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should.
I suppose we have stuffed-crust pizza to thank for making cheeseburger and hot dog crusts possible by leading the way in crazy food science that defies both logic and God. But here's the thing about stuffed/hamburger/pretzel/hot dog pizza: They're all gimmicks, and if you need a gimmick for your pizza crust, your crust was never that good to begin with.
There's nothing wrong with thin crust...if you like eating pizza off of a saltine cracker. Simply picking up a slice of thin crust pizza is a delicate balancing act, as the slightest movement will cause it to flake and fall apart. If it weren't for the tomato sauce and cheese to act like a glue and keep the whole thing together, you'd end up with more crust in your lap than you would in your stomach.
Classic crust is classic because it can be all things to all people: crunchy, soft or hard as a rock. People don't understand how delicate a process it is to make the perfect crust, and, although classic is the go-to for most people, it's easy to screw up.
I'll admit, I'm a sucker for thick crust, especially when I'm feeling depressed. There's nothing like chewing on a soft, doughy, seemingly neverending piece of bread as you contemplate all the things that have gone wrong in your life. Thick crust won't make you feel better, but it will make you sleepy, and you can't feel the sad when you're asleep!
You're probably wondering why I would rank flatbread higher than thin crust when they're basically the same thing. That's because they're not basically the same thing, and you know nothing of pizza. At its best, flatbread is lighter and fluffier, with Italian seasonings and just a hint of garlic. It's artisan, so it loses points because of pretentiousness, but otherwise it's one of the best crusts you can get. But it's not the best.
That's right: Chicago deep-dish crust. Perhaps I'm biased because I'm from Chicago, but there are few things that bring me more joy (besides my lovely wife) than the buttery, crunchy crust of a deep-dish pizza. The pizza as a whole has an allure that few other pizzas do, like a giant cheese and tomato sauce pool you just want to swim in. As for the crust, it's the crisp chaser after all that gooey mozzarella. When I'm outside of Chicago, any type of pizza will do. When I'm in Chicago, it's deep dish or bust.