I first discovered Starbucks because my girlfriend sophomore year of high school was obsessed with their green tea Frappuccinos and would drag me there on weekends. I watched as my affluent peers clutched their Starbucks cups like pearls and then I would drink my Capri Sun at lunch and be treated like a leper. When I later took a job at Starbucks during my senior year of college, I finally began to understand just how much of a status symbol that cup truly was.
When you rolled up to biology lecture with a venti coffee, you were making a statement. One that said "Hey, I'm a trust-fund baby who has enough money to spend $40 a week solely on caffeinated beverages that provide no nourishment to my body." I wanted in that club of rich kids, and working at Starbucks ensured I was given a free pass.
As all stories begin, Giphy
The Experiment: For five days, I decided to channel my inner white girl and consume only Starbucks food and drink items for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (except water at home because I wanted to make it out of this alive). What started off as a fun experiment to see just how much this lifestyle would cost quickly devolved into a caffeine induced hell of my own making. Here's what happened.
Day 1: Caffeine Is Awesome!
Bacon Gouda Breakfast Sandwich: (350 calories)
Grande Iced Mocha Latte: (290 calories)
Grande Triple Chestnut Praline Latte: (260 calories)
Greek Yogurt with Honey Parfait: (260 calories)
Holiday Turkey & Stuffing Panini: (440 calories, sodium: 1280 mg (!!))
Evolution Fresh™ Sweet Greens and Lemon: 50 calories
Total Calorie Count: 1,650
Dear Diary, I swirl the Evolution Fresh juice around my mouth and scribble in my notebook, "Tastes like liquid butt with defined hints of lemon." The holiday panini sort of tastes like a sandwich you would make while nursing your red wine hangover the day after Thanksgiving, in the best way. It also looks like your cat got into a bag of craisins and vomited it onto some slices of bread, but I'm so into it. So far I feel fine, although slightly bloated. I feel alive. Is this what people who drink coffee non-stop feel like? I pay my bills on time, and I even buy matching socks, because what the hell? I feel like I can take on the world. That night, I go to bed slightly later than usual, and I note a minor headache when I wake up halfway through the night.
Day Two: The Day I Was Basic With Abandon
Greek Yogurt with Honey Parfait: (260 calories)
Venti Chestnut Praline Frappuccino: (450 calories)
Spinach Feta Wrap: (290 calories)
Flourless Chewy Chocolate Cookie: (170 calories)
Reduced Fat Turkey Bacon Sandwich: (230 calories)
Venti Caramel Frappucino: (400 calories)
Total Calorie Count: 2,250
Slow-Roasted Ham & Swiss Breakfast Sandwich: (490 calories)
Iced coffee with two shots of espresso: (8 calories, roughly)
Greek Yogurt with Berries Parfait: (220 calories)
Tomato & Cheese Savory Square: (280 calories)
Chocolate Smoothie: "A nourishing blend of mocha flavored sauce, a whole banana, milk, whey protein and fiber powder" (300 calories)
Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffin: (350 calories)
Grande Gingerbread Latte: (250 calories)
Turkey and Pesto Panini: (480 calories)
Chocolate Croissant: (370 calories)
Grande Iced Caramel Macchiato Calories: (230 calories)
Total Calorie Count: 2,978
Dear Diary, I woke up with what I can only describe as a hangover. A throbbing ache has lodged itself into my left temple that throbs in time with "Blank Space" as I drive to Starbucks to consume my breakfast. By lunch time, I feel like taking a nap and I'm only able to feel alive again once I consume my savory square that tastes like a Lunchables personal pizza box, but toasted.
Chocolate Chunk Cookie: (370 calories)
Venti Mocha Frappuccino: (520 calories)
Cheese Danish: (320 calories)
Ham & Swiss Panini: (340 calories)
Venti Spiced Root Beer: (160 calories)
2 Birthday Cake Pops: (340 calories)
Dear Diary, Seeing as roughly 85 percent of Starbucks' food is pure carbohydrates and provides little to no nourishment to my body, I am truly shocked to find that I'm not constipated at all. Instead, it is difficult for me to find a time of the day where I don't have to use the restroom.
Day 5: The Meltdown
Tall Triple Shot Mocha: (290 calories)
Cheese & Fruit Bistro Box: (480 calories)
Protein Bistro Box: (380 calories)
Beef Sausage Croissant (aka a glorified hotdog) : (410 calories)
Tall Cinnamon Dolce Latte: (270 calories)
Turkey Rustico Panini: (480 calories)
Outrageous Oatmeal Cookie: (360 calories)
Grande Peppermint Mocha: (440 calories)
Total Calorie Count: 3,110
Retail Cost Of Living A Week Off Of Starbucks: $ 157.29!
Dear Diary, I could buy a gym membership at Anytime Fitness for five months with this, I could afford to go on a juice cleanse for a month, I could buy myself a really lovely candle or three super cozy sweaters.
If you research the symptoms of caffeine dependence, by the end of day 5 I clearly had `em all. I always enjoyed a cup or two of coffee before this experiment, and saw it as the best way to start my day. By jumping up to around four cups or more a day, I had shown marked increases in depression and irritability and I looked like an extra in The Walking Dead. After the experiment I vowed to go on a kale salad diet and get to the gym more often, completing my final form which is yoga-doing white girl. It took about a week for my sleep schedule to get back on track and I slowly had to back down on my caffeine intake so I didn't bankrupt myself.