Waking up is stupid. I'll do it tomorrow.

Yeah, you done messed up, but for one quick second you think, "What if it's delicious?"

This isn't prison. You can eat whatever you want for breakfast. Don't choose oatmeal.

You own Tupperware. That's enough adulting for one day.

Sure, showers feel great, but you know what would make them feel better? If you didn't exclusively use them as the place you get ready for work.

New adult rule: All outfits should be as comfortable as pajamas.

I'm in a place I don't want to be while it takes me to another place I don't want to be so I can go do things I don't want to do. At least let me do one thing I love along the way.

How long can I do this until they notice I'm gone? Hopefully they won't notice if it's all day, because that's how long I want to be here.

So what if everybody catches me napping? They're just jealous that they're not doing the same.

Warming noodles in a pot totally counts as cooking. You heated something and it wasn't in the microwave.

If all boardroom tables doubled as ping pong tables, people would probably like meetings a lot more. Actually, no they wouldn't. Meetings suck, but at least you could play ping pong after.

I'm done with today.

It totally counts as a well-balanced meal if you eat two different types of desserts.

The laundry gods have spoken. "Turn your underwear inside out," they said.

If it makes you feel better, you can sniff it and then talk about it like it is wine. "Smoky aroma with a hint of marinara," you say, swirling your glass.

You already cooked for lunch. Give yourself a break for dinner.

It's going to be hard to fall asleep when all you keep doing is shouting, "RACE CAR!"

I got out of bed and that's all that counts.