I recently had a talk with a close friend of mine about her significant other. No matter how many times she tried to explain her depression to him, he always took it as a personal insult. I told her that she couldn't expect someone to understand her very specific and nuanced pain, but she could expect someone who claimed to love her to understand how her mental state wasn't a reflection of their relationship. As much as I wanted to comfort her and empower her to leave, it was strange to give anyone advice on how to navigate the murky waters of dating. I've been trying to justify my quirks to significant others for the past five years with varying degrees of results.
I remember telling one of my boyfriends about my OCD as if I were revealing some dark secret from my family's past. With shaking hands, I told him about how I used to pull out my eyelashes and about my long list of therapists. Revealing those secrets made me feel more emotionally raw than talking about any of my exes. Throughout our relationship he tried to understand and be patient, but in the end we split up because what fundamentally made me who I am confused him; it left us broken.
I held onto that guilt for a long time because it seemed easier to blame myself than to grasp that sometimes people are brought together so that life can teach them they're stronger when apart.
When we talk about finding love, we often discuss the ways in which someone compliments us. We talk about how they `level us' out, but what we don't discuss is how balance does not a happy match make.
You deserve someone who loves your type of crazy. And you deserve someone who understands that all your quirks are simply a culmination of who you are in a grand scheme. You deserve someone who doesn't just see your neurosis as bad habits you'll eventually overcome, but as a beautiful part of you they're lucky enough to see. You deserve someone who doesn't just empathise, but who truly understands you - who see past your faults to the honest and true core of your person.
You deserve someone who never uses the word `crazy' or `psychotic' or any of those other hurtful words used to describe someone's habits, and you deserve someone who is sympathetic to your soul. Maybe you have hyper-anxiety that causes you to only like to leave the house after it gets dark, or maybe you have a bad habit of crying after every Walmart commercial. Whether you feel like your quirks are large or small, you deserve someone who holds you and tells you it's OK. Someone who never makes you feel like you're damaged goods or have too much baggage to handle.
You'll know when someone is wrong for you when they make you doubt yourself - when they make you feel like all these things about yourself that keep you up at night are worth losing sleep over. They'll feel wrong when they only placate you because they feel obligated to, not because they truly want you to feel no other emotion with them besides comfort. You'll know someone is wrong in your gut from the way they pull away from you when you need them the most. You'll know that people often say they want to know you, but are terrified of what they find when you finally let them in.
When you find someone who accepts every part of you, whether it be that you have to check to make sure the front door is locked, or that you need to sleep on the left side of the bed every time, your weird habits will stop feeling like a burden.When you find the person you're truly meant to be with, your burdens won't feel like you're struggling through every day you challenge your neurosis because you'll have someone to make the load lighter. Because when you find someone who loves your brand of crazy, all the things that once felt like they would haunt you forever stop seeming so crazy after all.