I will literally find any excuse I can to not exercise. Oh, my fingernail broke, probably best to stay in and recover. Oh, my cat sneezed, probably should stay in and make sure she doesn’t come down with something.
“We’ve got teas and cakes. We got everything you want, madam, make no mistake … Welcome to the garden! Welcome to the garden! Watch it bring you to your…actually can you just keep off the grass, please?”
Prince’s voice and ability on the guitar was a gift from God, but I never really got why women were so obsessed with him. These are the same ladies that won’t respond to a guy on OKCupid because he’s under 5’7’’. Prince was probably more petite than 90% of the women he slept with.
Not to take anything away from the fine institution that is Portland Community College, but if Jar Jar Binks is attending your school, then maybe your acceptance protocol should be slightly more selective. We're not saying you have to be like Harvard or anything; we're just saying try a little harder, PCC.
My Amazon usually lists cat food, stretchy sweatpants, fungal cream, and mustache bleaching kits. It’s not trying to kill me. I think it is assuming that I will just die of loneliness and is trying to help that along.
Last weekend, I told myself that I would get a head start on work. I said I would go to the gym. Maybe go to a place in the city I’ve never been before. Instead, I got drunk and laid in bed eating Seamless.
You can say pretty much anything to a woman when you’re fighting with them. You can call us every name under the sun, but all hell will break loose if you tell us to “calm down.” We will literally turn into the little girl from The Exorcist and spit up green puke all over you.